hardened hearts

Lately I've been struggling with my relationship with God. As I posted yesterday it's been quite some time since I've last opened by bible and spent more than 2 seconds reading the bible and praying about problems I face. After doing devotions tonight I decided to read what I had written while I was still in Quebec. January 3, 2010 I made a new years resolution to make my relationship closer to God. I asked him to really put a bug in me to help me stay focused and strong. I guess what they say about temptation is 100% true. It seems that I was going strong, but once I was out of the Bethel Bubble, I hit a brick wall and stopped dead in my tracks. I was amazed by what I actually wrote a year ago. I was so focused on the word, didn't have a care for drinking, seeing people, and just wanted to go out and spread the word to everyone I saw. When at Bethel it was normal to just sit down with people and just share your testimony, talk about the word and pray with everyone there. At the little french church I went to it was normal to just share you feelings, I felt so welcomed by them and open to say anything and not be judged. Being back at home I don't feel comfortable sharing my testimony with many people, don't feel comfortable to just share whatever is on my brain with people in my church, and don't feel comfortable or warm around them.

Lately I've become very shy. I don't know why, what has come over me, but i just feel shy and taken back by everything. A month ago my brother Nick came to town. I was great seeing him. I enjoyed every moment of having a brother in the house and to top it off he brought a niece with him. One of the things he wanted to do here was go to Telkwa to see my Opa and my moms sister and her family. When we were there a cousin of mine was there too. It was so nice seeing them, but then the shy part of me kicked in and I felt out of place. I was playing doctor with 2 almost 4 and a 5 year old and I didn't know what to say. Why? Why would I think that a 3 and a 5 year old would judge me? Why did I think family would judge me? I have no clue. If only I knew that would be great. If i did anything I felt like i was being judged. OKEY HOLD THE BUS. STOP. WHY would my family judge me? Why would i ever think that? It would be great if I knew, but I don't. Its just how my brain functions now.

I talked to my mom about depression a couple months back and said that i wanted to go in and get something that will help me. She told me that it wasn't depression but yet I was just bored all the time. I went on and though, well yeah I do nothing really with my life besides work and maybe sometimes I see a friend, but that's about it. Now that I sit here and reflect on my life, I think I do have a problem with Depression. I don't want to go in and talk to my doctor because I don't feel comfortable with him and when I tried to make an appointment with a different doctor they said that I couldn't because he wasn't my family doctor. I really think I have a problem.

1. I don't feel comfortable around family and feel like I'm being judged
2. I don't feel comfortable in my church
3. I never want to see people and hibernate in my house
4. I takes me a while to get the courage to seek help or encouragement from friends
5. I don't want to be in this town or do anything
6. When i have the courage to talk to someone or ask for advice I turn around and run away

Why do I feel this way? Why am I so shy to open my mouth and say something? I guess I'm like my sister in a way that I'm bad with talking to people, but using a blog helps me express what I'm feeling... Kind of. People say to just pray about it and God will handle it. Just pray pray pray pray pray ! Right now, I need more than just praying. I need someone to be with to talk to that I don't feel like I'm being judged. I always see people that I want to talk to but feel that they are better than I am so therefore I keep my thoughts to myself and don't dare speak to them, but just nod and say hi.

I hope things change and workout for the better, but I guess time is all it will take.