hardened hearts

Lately I've been struggling with my relationship with God. As I posted yesterday it's been quite some time since I've last opened by bible and spent more than 2 seconds reading the bible and praying about problems I face. After doing devotions tonight I decided to read what I had written while I was still in Quebec. January 3, 2010 I made a new years resolution to make my relationship closer to God. I asked him to really put a bug in me to help me stay focused and strong. I guess what they say about temptation is 100% true. It seems that I was going strong, but once I was out of the Bethel Bubble, I hit a brick wall and stopped dead in my tracks. I was amazed by what I actually wrote a year ago. I was so focused on the word, didn't have a care for drinking, seeing people, and just wanted to go out and spread the word to everyone I saw. When at Bethel it was normal to just sit down with people and just share your testimony, talk about the word and pray with everyone there. At the little french church I went to it was normal to just share you feelings, I felt so welcomed by them and open to say anything and not be judged. Being back at home I don't feel comfortable sharing my testimony with many people, don't feel comfortable to just share whatever is on my brain with people in my church, and don't feel comfortable or warm around them.

Lately I've become very shy. I don't know why, what has come over me, but i just feel shy and taken back by everything. A month ago my brother Nick came to town. I was great seeing him. I enjoyed every moment of having a brother in the house and to top it off he brought a niece with him. One of the things he wanted to do here was go to Telkwa to see my Opa and my moms sister and her family. When we were there a cousin of mine was there too. It was so nice seeing them, but then the shy part of me kicked in and I felt out of place. I was playing doctor with 2 almost 4 and a 5 year old and I didn't know what to say. Why? Why would I think that a 3 and a 5 year old would judge me? Why did I think family would judge me? I have no clue. If only I knew that would be great. If i did anything I felt like i was being judged. OKEY HOLD THE BUS. STOP. WHY would my family judge me? Why would i ever think that? It would be great if I knew, but I don't. Its just how my brain functions now.

I talked to my mom about depression a couple months back and said that i wanted to go in and get something that will help me. She told me that it wasn't depression but yet I was just bored all the time. I went on and though, well yeah I do nothing really with my life besides work and maybe sometimes I see a friend, but that's about it. Now that I sit here and reflect on my life, I think I do have a problem with Depression. I don't want to go in and talk to my doctor because I don't feel comfortable with him and when I tried to make an appointment with a different doctor they said that I couldn't because he wasn't my family doctor. I really think I have a problem.

1. I don't feel comfortable around family and feel like I'm being judged
2. I don't feel comfortable in my church
3. I never want to see people and hibernate in my house
4. I takes me a while to get the courage to seek help or encouragement from friends
5. I don't want to be in this town or do anything
6. When i have the courage to talk to someone or ask for advice I turn around and run away

Why do I feel this way? Why am I so shy to open my mouth and say something? I guess I'm like my sister in a way that I'm bad with talking to people, but using a blog helps me express what I'm feeling... Kind of. People say to just pray about it and God will handle it. Just pray pray pray pray pray ! Right now, I need more than just praying. I need someone to be with to talk to that I don't feel like I'm being judged. I always see people that I want to talk to but feel that they are better than I am so therefore I keep my thoughts to myself and don't dare speak to them, but just nod and say hi.

I hope things change and workout for the better, but I guess time is all it will take.

Big man upstairs

When I was in Quebec I was on such a high "God-moment" as I like to call them. I did devotions every morning or night, depending on what day it was, and was so into the word. When I came back I had high expectations that everything was going to be okey, everything will work out, I'll be strong enough to face all the battles that were ahead of me, temptation wouldn't be an issue, and God would take care of everything. Well 4/5 went according to plan. Maybe this is God's way of showing me, YOO OPEN YOUR EYES AND SEE THE WORLD! But I'm not finding it. All the others, well yeah they are an everyday struggle. I've done devotions twice since being back in Terrace. November 28, 2010 and today. Todays devotion was Hebrew 3:7-13.

So, as the Holy Spirit says:
"Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as you did in the rebellion, during the time of testing in the desert where your fathers tested and tried me and for forty years saw what I did. This is why I was angry with that generation, and I said, 'Their hearts are always going astray, and they have not known my ways.' So I declared on oath in my anger, 'They shall never enter my rest.'
See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called. Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness."

I've been struggling with choices that some friends have made towards me and choices that I have made. I tried to help some friends out, but in return I just got backstabbed and now they don't talk to me. One day they will come crawling back, like they have before, and I know in my heart of hearts I'm going to take them back in a heart beat, WHY?? They cause me so much pain and anger that I can't do it to myself. I've been making poor decisions on my part lately too that would not be considered right in the eye of God. I make the decisions because I'm trying to find who I truly am. It is a lot of trial and error going on, but I trust that God has a plan for me, it just takes time. I have to forgive these friends, even though it will be really tough, but I know that it's what God would want me to do. We've all done it to him countless times. We've left him in the dark, ignored Him, talked ab0ut him in a vulgar way, disobeyed him, and betrayed him too. I can only imagine what kind of feelings he has towards me.

I need to start a new leaf. One thing I loved about Quebec. No one knew who I was, no one knew what I did in my past, No one knew anything about me besides, which they figured out quickly, my name and that I spoke no french. It was great. I loved it. Being back in this town I came back a different person than when I left. I was a "Bible Hugger" as I called them before going to Quebec. People didn't believe that I had changed and they didn't even want to give me the time of day. Nothing. They just ignored me. That hurt me so much that I just fell back into my old ways. Fell back onto the friends that hurt me so many times when I was in high school and fell back into my old ways. Why you may ask? Cause it was my comfort zone.

I'm looking forward to getting out of the town again and moving to Vancouver. My real friends are all down there and some family too :) It wil be hard to adjust again to a new surrounding and new school, but I'm sure it will be easy to pull off. Every one speaks english this time.

backstabbers

I can't take it anymore. I can't take the backstabbing, the lying, the cheating, the silence.. I'm done. I was such a good friend to them and all I get in return is a stab in the back. Thanks. Thanks for everything. I have so many things i want to say to them, but I can't bring myself to stoop down to their immature levels. I really need to get out of this town. Yes I know that there are people like this every where, but the people in this town are just pressing every single button I have. In this town there is 1 friend that hasn't stabbed me in the back. She's only 17, but is more mature than half the people I'm "friends" with. She's stuck with me through all the bs that went on in highschool and still sticks by my side. Without her I'd be a huge mess. Not like I'm not one right now, but I at least have her. I swear if these so called friends come back and try to apologize and act like nothing happened I'm going flip shit on them.

I'm done.

Encouragement

Today was rough. Not sure why though. It just was. Then slowly it started to get a better. 1st off, my dad brought me Timmies for supper at work with a Large 2 cream coffee. 2nd - A manager of a Wrigleys company is staying at the hotel I work at and gave me the newest flavor of skittles and starburst. He's a gem. 3rd- A friend from Quebec gave me a really big booster. He's always been there for me lately and it's so nice. I met him when I went to school there. This is what he said.

Go with the strength you have and always remember, you're a princess, daughter
of the God of the universe, never forget who you truely are. You've been set
free of what controls you, you're ment to live for so much more, can't wait to
see what God's plans are for you.

He's amazing. What can I say. I'm glad I met someone like him.

.

The countdown is on
43 days until freedom
Freedom from work and this town
Freedom from the drama

43 day until I hold a new baby
A new bundle of joy, a nephew
48 days until I hold another
What will it be ? Boy? Girl?

.

I have a problem
A problem that only i can fix
I know there is a good solution
I don't know where to go

Pills won't help
I'm too scared to tell my feelings
Childish? Only God knows
I wish He was down here

They say to pray
Well that only gets me so far
Just a hug from a loving person will do
But where is this person?

I call a friend, "Whats going on?"
"I just need a hug", but they want more
An explaination, a story
Judgement is surely to follow

Where are the ones that I love at times like these
Phone calls/text messages just don't cut it
I need the warmth and comfort
Only touching can do

I need help
But where to go?
Doctors think they know
Nurses try to help

Expressions I can't describe
Feelings I can't word
They stay coooped up for so long
Only soon to explode

Who will be the victim of my lashing
Who will be the one I hurt
Feelings turn into words
Words into actions

Lord please help me.

.

You tell yourself to not get attached
but your heart says to
Not wanting to let him in
Only knowing heartbreak is to follow

You wish that things could be different
but knowing your life, failure only follows
Why can't he come around?
A man of dignity with love to give

Maybe I don't look in the right places
My guessing is true
I know he's out there somewhere
I'll just have to wait

.

You're so young with so much to live for
You do what you want, but never see the consequences
A new guy every week
you wonder why your feelings are so mixed up.

He was my best friend
now just a liar
How can you trust someone like that
has he even be truthful to you?

You say one story
he says another
you get me involved
now i just want out

2 little lines appear on a stick
now you got a little baby
9 months until you hold him
but who will be there for support

I tried to tell you
but you didn't listen
i'll be there for you
we can get through this

can't say i never told you so
he's so furious and tries to fall back on me
your problems are your consequences
don't get mad at me for what you did

you lied to me
you called me vulgar names
you ignore me
and now you want me back

i feel like a piece of dirt
you trample on me
you stomp on me
please leave me alone

move on and leave me behind
its not worth all the pain and suffering

...

You lay in your bed most nights just thinking.
Is making poems going to be your way of writing
Or maybe writing letters.

I still haven't decided.

I lay here thinking about you
wondering what went wrong
We were so close, but you changed
what did I do to turn you off

Its been 6 months and not even a word
no text, no email, no phone/skype call
nothing
where did I go wrong?

I try to move on but always get stopped by something
the sound of your name, a picture of your face
how could i possible move on?
it feels near impossible right now

I know that I need to get some sleep
but all i can think about is you
the countdown on my wall shows when i leave
hopefully see your face along the way

Changes of that are slim pickings
but who knows what this trip will bring
i hope to see you again someday
or maybe it will just have to be goodbye

I thought I saw a future
but i guess i was wrong
maybe we just need time apart to really think
of how good we would actually be

goodbye my lover
goodbye my friend
you have been the one
you have been the one for me