pondering

I always wonder what life would be like if I was famous, homeless, older, dying, or just another person. I work at a hotel and 2 nights a week I do dreadful night shifts. They aren't fun at all. Why?

1. I'm alone for 8 hours.


2. Homeless people always come wandering in at some point in the night.


3. Something always goes wrong with the computer at some point in the night and can't get help until 6:30 when its a reasonable time to call my boss and tell him I broke the computer for the 50th time.


4. I just eat when I'm bored making me pack on the pounds.


5. I'm so tired every time I do a shift

If you don't believe me ask my brother-in-law, he can relate also. I don't have consistancy with shifts which is what really messes with my sleeping schedule. Saturday - morning shift, sunday monday afternoon shift and tuesday wednesday are night shifts. Soon I will be going on a 10 day vacay to visit my sister Jen, sister-in-law Teresa, their babies ! and surprise a friend. I booked off my time, got it accepted and then got a phone call. I've been applying to be in the Canadian Forces since September and just got accepted. I got promoted to the rank of Officer Cadet and got phoned seeing if I wanted to do some training. I was sleeping when they called and received the message after they had already closed. I was in Air Cadets for 8 years and no intentions of joining the Forces, but something struck me in September and I really wanted to join, so away went 100+ forms and a whole bunch more paperwork, 2 interviews later, a medical later and alot of talking about myself I got in.

I want to go to this training so badly, but here is the problem. I am going to be working at Alberthead this summer as an officer and that starts June 20th-ish. The training that I want to attend is from May 13 - 22nd. Therefore if I take this trip and do the training I am gone May 3 - 22nd. Thats basically the whole month that I'd have to take off work. I don't know if my boss will really appreciate it. He might not give me my job back when I return, but fingers crossed, a whole lot of praying and I'm wishing that it will happen. My boss is pretty good about giving people time off and giving them what they please. I love my boss. He's the greatest. (OH HEYYY! that is if you ever see this :P ) They will have to find someone anyways to fill my spot when I leave in June and if they start training a girl now or later in the month, she can take my shifts and then be full time during the summer. My job in no means is a labour intesive job at all. I go on the computer, do my english 12 course, watch TV, check people in/out and greet people when they walk in the door. The thing that makes me so tired from it is boredom making me tired. Like I love it that I have so much time, but sometimes its too much time. Like tonight I tried to do my english, but I am just too tired to be reading a big story right now and then writing a paper on it. It's just not going to happen right now. The book I am doing is The Kite Runner. I am the kind of person that only reads books when I'm forced to. I hate reading. Yes, thats right, I hate reading, but this book was AMAZING! If you are searcing for a book to read, by all means PICK UP THIS BOOK AND READ IT! Some parts of it are like, ughh, blah blah blah blah blah, but once you get through it, it's totaly amazing. I'd read it again. I got a little teary eyed also at some parts. I've never cried while reading a book. I don't get how some people can do it. But seriously PICK UP THE BOOK AND READ IT!

So if you're the praying type, please pray that things will fall in place for this training and my trip and that I will get my job back when I come back. Also pray that they will find a suitable person to replace me. We've had quite a few people go through the doors because the job was too difficult for them and way to stressful at times.

hardened hearts

Lately I've been struggling with my relationship with God. As I posted yesterday it's been quite some time since I've last opened by bible and spent more than 2 seconds reading the bible and praying about problems I face. After doing devotions tonight I decided to read what I had written while I was still in Quebec. January 3, 2010 I made a new years resolution to make my relationship closer to God. I asked him to really put a bug in me to help me stay focused and strong. I guess what they say about temptation is 100% true. It seems that I was going strong, but once I was out of the Bethel Bubble, I hit a brick wall and stopped dead in my tracks. I was amazed by what I actually wrote a year ago. I was so focused on the word, didn't have a care for drinking, seeing people, and just wanted to go out and spread the word to everyone I saw. When at Bethel it was normal to just sit down with people and just share your testimony, talk about the word and pray with everyone there. At the little french church I went to it was normal to just share you feelings, I felt so welcomed by them and open to say anything and not be judged. Being back at home I don't feel comfortable sharing my testimony with many people, don't feel comfortable to just share whatever is on my brain with people in my church, and don't feel comfortable or warm around them.

Lately I've become very shy. I don't know why, what has come over me, but i just feel shy and taken back by everything. A month ago my brother Nick came to town. I was great seeing him. I enjoyed every moment of having a brother in the house and to top it off he brought a niece with him. One of the things he wanted to do here was go to Telkwa to see my Opa and my moms sister and her family. When we were there a cousin of mine was there too. It was so nice seeing them, but then the shy part of me kicked in and I felt out of place. I was playing doctor with 2 almost 4 and a 5 year old and I didn't know what to say. Why? Why would I think that a 3 and a 5 year old would judge me? Why did I think family would judge me? I have no clue. If only I knew that would be great. If i did anything I felt like i was being judged. OKEY HOLD THE BUS. STOP. WHY would my family judge me? Why would i ever think that? It would be great if I knew, but I don't. Its just how my brain functions now.

I talked to my mom about depression a couple months back and said that i wanted to go in and get something that will help me. She told me that it wasn't depression but yet I was just bored all the time. I went on and though, well yeah I do nothing really with my life besides work and maybe sometimes I see a friend, but that's about it. Now that I sit here and reflect on my life, I think I do have a problem with Depression. I don't want to go in and talk to my doctor because I don't feel comfortable with him and when I tried to make an appointment with a different doctor they said that I couldn't because he wasn't my family doctor. I really think I have a problem.

1. I don't feel comfortable around family and feel like I'm being judged
2. I don't feel comfortable in my church
3. I never want to see people and hibernate in my house
4. I takes me a while to get the courage to seek help or encouragement from friends
5. I don't want to be in this town or do anything
6. When i have the courage to talk to someone or ask for advice I turn around and run away

Why do I feel this way? Why am I so shy to open my mouth and say something? I guess I'm like my sister in a way that I'm bad with talking to people, but using a blog helps me express what I'm feeling... Kind of. People say to just pray about it and God will handle it. Just pray pray pray pray pray ! Right now, I need more than just praying. I need someone to be with to talk to that I don't feel like I'm being judged. I always see people that I want to talk to but feel that they are better than I am so therefore I keep my thoughts to myself and don't dare speak to them, but just nod and say hi.

I hope things change and workout for the better, but I guess time is all it will take.

Big man upstairs

When I was in Quebec I was on such a high "God-moment" as I like to call them. I did devotions every morning or night, depending on what day it was, and was so into the word. When I came back I had high expectations that everything was going to be okey, everything will work out, I'll be strong enough to face all the battles that were ahead of me, temptation wouldn't be an issue, and God would take care of everything. Well 4/5 went according to plan. Maybe this is God's way of showing me, YOO OPEN YOUR EYES AND SEE THE WORLD! But I'm not finding it. All the others, well yeah they are an everyday struggle. I've done devotions twice since being back in Terrace. November 28, 2010 and today. Todays devotion was Hebrew 3:7-13.

So, as the Holy Spirit says:
"Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as you did in the rebellion, during the time of testing in the desert where your fathers tested and tried me and for forty years saw what I did. This is why I was angry with that generation, and I said, 'Their hearts are always going astray, and they have not known my ways.' So I declared on oath in my anger, 'They shall never enter my rest.'
See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called. Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness."

I've been struggling with choices that some friends have made towards me and choices that I have made. I tried to help some friends out, but in return I just got backstabbed and now they don't talk to me. One day they will come crawling back, like they have before, and I know in my heart of hearts I'm going to take them back in a heart beat, WHY?? They cause me so much pain and anger that I can't do it to myself. I've been making poor decisions on my part lately too that would not be considered right in the eye of God. I make the decisions because I'm trying to find who I truly am. It is a lot of trial and error going on, but I trust that God has a plan for me, it just takes time. I have to forgive these friends, even though it will be really tough, but I know that it's what God would want me to do. We've all done it to him countless times. We've left him in the dark, ignored Him, talked ab0ut him in a vulgar way, disobeyed him, and betrayed him too. I can only imagine what kind of feelings he has towards me.

I need to start a new leaf. One thing I loved about Quebec. No one knew who I was, no one knew what I did in my past, No one knew anything about me besides, which they figured out quickly, my name and that I spoke no french. It was great. I loved it. Being back in this town I came back a different person than when I left. I was a "Bible Hugger" as I called them before going to Quebec. People didn't believe that I had changed and they didn't even want to give me the time of day. Nothing. They just ignored me. That hurt me so much that I just fell back into my old ways. Fell back onto the friends that hurt me so many times when I was in high school and fell back into my old ways. Why you may ask? Cause it was my comfort zone.

I'm looking forward to getting out of the town again and moving to Vancouver. My real friends are all down there and some family too :) It wil be hard to adjust again to a new surrounding and new school, but I'm sure it will be easy to pull off. Every one speaks english this time.

backstabbers

I can't take it anymore. I can't take the backstabbing, the lying, the cheating, the silence.. I'm done. I was such a good friend to them and all I get in return is a stab in the back. Thanks. Thanks for everything. I have so many things i want to say to them, but I can't bring myself to stoop down to their immature levels. I really need to get out of this town. Yes I know that there are people like this every where, but the people in this town are just pressing every single button I have. In this town there is 1 friend that hasn't stabbed me in the back. She's only 17, but is more mature than half the people I'm "friends" with. She's stuck with me through all the bs that went on in highschool and still sticks by my side. Without her I'd be a huge mess. Not like I'm not one right now, but I at least have her. I swear if these so called friends come back and try to apologize and act like nothing happened I'm going flip shit on them.

I'm done.

Encouragement

Today was rough. Not sure why though. It just was. Then slowly it started to get a better. 1st off, my dad brought me Timmies for supper at work with a Large 2 cream coffee. 2nd - A manager of a Wrigleys company is staying at the hotel I work at and gave me the newest flavor of skittles and starburst. He's a gem. 3rd- A friend from Quebec gave me a really big booster. He's always been there for me lately and it's so nice. I met him when I went to school there. This is what he said.

Go with the strength you have and always remember, you're a princess, daughter
of the God of the universe, never forget who you truely are. You've been set
free of what controls you, you're ment to live for so much more, can't wait to
see what God's plans are for you.

He's amazing. What can I say. I'm glad I met someone like him.

.

The countdown is on
43 days until freedom
Freedom from work and this town
Freedom from the drama

43 day until I hold a new baby
A new bundle of joy, a nephew
48 days until I hold another
What will it be ? Boy? Girl?

.

I have a problem
A problem that only i can fix
I know there is a good solution
I don't know where to go

Pills won't help
I'm too scared to tell my feelings
Childish? Only God knows
I wish He was down here

They say to pray
Well that only gets me so far
Just a hug from a loving person will do
But where is this person?

I call a friend, "Whats going on?"
"I just need a hug", but they want more
An explaination, a story
Judgement is surely to follow

Where are the ones that I love at times like these
Phone calls/text messages just don't cut it
I need the warmth and comfort
Only touching can do

I need help
But where to go?
Doctors think they know
Nurses try to help

Expressions I can't describe
Feelings I can't word
They stay coooped up for so long
Only soon to explode

Who will be the victim of my lashing
Who will be the one I hurt
Feelings turn into words
Words into actions

Lord please help me.